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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.